Quite a while. As a matter of fact, I was avoiding it all together. I have so many blog topics that I am dying to write about, but I just had no motivation to write them. Why not? I have enjoyed them before, but lately, they would come out far too contrived. My heart wasn’t in writing about a healthy, balanced lifestyle when I haven’t been living one.
Then I realized…I am human…and I am in a place of personal growth that will only take me to the next level. I have had a rough go of it in the recent past. I have had to get used to depending on myself for everything; I provided my means to
support myself financially. I had to make huge decisions alone; my instinct and feelings were the only ones I had…I have been alone in a time in which I made the most drastic changes of my life. And while I am sure others might have been more decisive or able to not lose it and cry or eat and drink a little too much, I did a pretty damn good job.
I have managed to obtain some amazing clients, who are truly friends. I am a working actor in Houston, not just stage but voice overs too. My network of talented, humble and brilliant actors has since doubled, which has fulfilled me in such a way. I paid off both my car and credit card debt; I have health, dental and vision insurance and savings. I am a responsible and involved member of society; I care about being knowledgeable in politics, world news, environmental concerns, culture and art. I have a wonderful group of friends, a beautiful family and a great boyfriend. All in all, I think I have done well for myself, and I am finally acknowledging that this truly is the most happy I have felt in a really long time.
I have an eating disorder, which has cause me a TON of anxiety and stress. I have overworked my body in order to maintain a healthy weight and body fat percentage. While I’m not at my goal weight or body fat, I now have a healthy realization about my overly emotional connection to food. And now I am here to tell readers that it’s okay to accept weaknesses, acknowledge they are there and kick life into high gear to combat them! They’ll always be there, but you can keep them at bay.
Truthfully, this is only a recent realization. I am reading a book called, Overcoming Overeating: How to Break the Diet/Binge Cycle and Live a Healthier, More Satisfying Life (Jane Hirschmann and Carol Hunter – Authors). I am about 40% done with the book, but what I have read already resonates with me. I am reading the chapter about learning how to accept who I am at this point in my life and being excited at the prospect of where I can go from here. I can’t nit-pick every little spot on my body that isn’t what I want it to be; I can say, “Listen B, we’ve been through a heck of a lot and we’ve dealt with so much on our lonesome, but we can’t stay here…we’ve got to keep reaching for what we deserve to fire on all four cylinders!” In the summer, I was so obsessed with losing weight/fat that I wore an Up Band to calculate my calories burned and consumed. If I ate too much, I would berate myself and restrict eating all together the next day.
Now, don’t get me wrong….I believe intermittent fasting can be a healthy addition to lifestyles, but only when one has a good relationship with food. When I do have that relationship again, where I know food is fuel to keep me going strong, I will participate in fasting again.
But I’m not there yet.
Reading Overcoming Overeating paired with Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth have made me come to the realization that I have been holding on to a fear of my own potential. What could I truly accomplish if I just let myself? That freaking scares the crap out of me…
I look at all I accomplished with my fearful mindset and am so proud…what will I do without fear? I always felt so balanced and content being a support system for someone else, but now it’s just me; and I have to come to terms…
I put my body through such Hell… and it’s still there for me. I am tired of putting myself on the back burner to insecurity and fear; time to focus on furthering the success that I have managed to create for myself.
Accepting this reality has lit an undercurrent of kickassery I had no clue I had and balance for myself is starting to happen. I am sleeping better than I have in years, my workouts are more intense and I am craving the foods that I used to…uh…the healthy ones!
I haven’t been on the scale in a few weeks until this morning, but I lost 2 pounds, so I can handle that!
This blog’s purpose will have some more of my journey with food, but I will load some kick ass ab routines I have been doing the past few weeks and some full body exercise pairs I have been doing for 5 minute intervals. Plus, my beau and I have been noshing on some yummy tofu stir fries and tacos!
Nothing but love…so much love…for you!